My sister once told me that it takes about two years to settle in to a new living environment, new city, new community, new life. That would mean I am halfway through the process. Life is good in Cape. At the same time, I really do miss many aspects of my old life in my hometown. I can’t help it.
Initially, I spent a lot of energy shutting out and shutting down the frustration and anger that comes from losing a job and an independent life. Living with lupus for 19 years taught me to push through the process. I know how to operate in “survival readjustment mode”, because that’s what people with lupus do. It wasn’t hard to transfer those skills to life on disability and unemployment. I’m getting good at that. Moving forward is more challenging. I’m not sure why. It just is.
Some elements of life seem to be in a continual state of uncertainty. Like my health insurance. I may or may not get state aid and if I do, it may or may not cover the infusions I need every three weeks. I may or may not move to Wisconsin; it depends on money and health insurance. Stuff like that drives me crazy, so I try not to think about such things very often. I have no control over it anyway.
Spiritually and emotionally I feel like I’ve been living in a desert. It took me about a year to realize I’ve wound up in the desert, and I guess it will take a while to figure how to get out of it. I have attempted to reconnect with my spiritual self through music. Singing has always been my preferred method of praying. I hope it works.
Some days I consider myself very fortunate. I’ve had some amazing trips this past year with friends and family, and have visited parts of the country I’ve never seen before. There have been a few occasions when I’ve been able to drop whatever I was doing to help someone out during a major or minor crisis. I’ve reconnected with my inner artist and continue to design jewelry.
Obviously, I haven’t written much this year. I was shocked to see my last post was in February. My inner slacker has been running wild. Then again, I’m at it again today and maybe I’ll be inspired to write on a more regular basis.
I guess I look at everything with a very cautious, tentative attitude these days. It’s an intentional tactic, one that I haven’t tried out very often in the past. If it seems vague and uncertain, I guess it is because it’s a reflection of how I feel. For now, I feel I’ve reached a saturation level of physical and emotional chaos and upheaval. I’m trying my best to stay calm and carry on.