Talking Trash

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My cell phone went missing Monday evening.  After a couple hours of fussing over “what-the-hell-will-I-do-if-I-can’t-find-my-phone” I decided it would turn up if I didn’t try so hard to look for it.  I stopped looking because I’m so very optimistic about expecting happy endings.

That didn’t work.

So I went to my office the following day, filled with absolute certainty that by the time I got home I would find it.  That didn’t happen either.  Rats!

I hate to admit being dependent on a cell phone but alas, I am.  Really.  Dependent.  My virtual universe is loaded on my iPhone.  Pictures, applications, maps, appointments … the works.  Of course I could get another cell phone if this one was truly MIA forever.  But what a hassle!

After muttering to myself when I returned home from work  (and creeping the cats out in general) I decided to try a different search method.  I started calling my phone, room by room, from my land line in the house.  Called the bedroom.  No answer.  Called the basement.  No answer.  Went to the garage and called the car.  No answer.  No ringing.  No nothing.

Finally, I went to the kitchen and called.  Nothing.  However, the stovetop fan was on because I was trying to make dinner, so it turned it off to listen.  Oh yeah, I was expecting some friends over for dinner to watch American Idol and was also rushing around cleaning up at the last minute.  I’m the queen of multi-tasking … dinner, vacuuming, table setting, and cell phone searching.

But I digress.

Finally, FINALLY, I hear a muffled “ring ring” (like the old fashioned phones) coming somewhere near (or under) the sink.  OMG!  It’s in the trash can!

The trash can that is filled with the most god-awful, gross food crap you could imagine.

I grab a new trash bag and start pulling junk out of the trash can and into the new bag.  One by one, I pulled out chicken bones, which really excited the cats.  They gathered ’round me sitting on the floor, as if they wanted to help search.  Cats are such fake-out artists. I knew they were only interested in potentially plundering some chicken parts.  There were multiple other gross things discovered in that icky bag, including some leftover cake batter, that I had to maneuver around.  It was tricky business, indeed.

And let me just say that when you are exploring the contents of a trash bag and if you happen to come upon a lot of  discarded red velvet cake batter in a hasty manner, your kitchen is poised to look like an episode of Dexter doing what he does best.

I did just that and it wasn’t pretty.  Unless you like to watch autopsies.

I was praying to the patron saint of kitchen cleanup to help me find this stupid phone and restore my kitchen to glistening cleanliness before my friends show up and find me splayed out on the floor digging in the trash, looking like I lost my mind.  Which I probably had at that point.

But to my horror, I STILL couldn’t find the phone.

Now I have 2 big trash bags half filled with crap. And no phone.

So I called my cell phone again.  This time I separated the bags so I could tell which one was ringing.  Did I mention that it is harder to locate missing cell phones in dark trash bags, as opposed to light colored trash bags?  And I’m not profiling anything here.  It’s just the plain truth.

Finally.  I find my phone, covered in butter, cake batter, indescribable fuzz, and a random chicken bone sticking out of the side of it like a fake antenna.

But Lordy, it was still ringing!

The cats left the kitchen, quite disappointed.  I hastily bagged up the second trash bag, washed the floor, cleaned up my iPhone and the case, set out the fruit plate and hummus, washed my hands, put on my pearl necklace and apron and was ready to great my company with no evidence of the insanity I just barely survived right before they knocked on my front door.

**************

Yep.  Tuesday night, nobody knew about the riotous cell phone incident.

Until they read this post, that is.

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11 responses »

  1. Only you…. Can you hear mom laughing!! OMG.

    Is there an app for communicating with our dead parents? They are both howling right now. I am too.

    • Now THAT’S funny!!! Mom would have been confused about the whole thing (“Why didn’t you just call your self to begin with? Is that why you don’t answer your phone at home? Is the phone at home working?”) and Dad would have had a good laugh about the whole thing, including the mess in the kitchen!!!

  2. I hate my phone’s guts, hide it and turn it off on weekends, mainly because I can get away from it and avoid my mother all in one swoop.

    But, my phone cost like $50, and it isn’t an iPhone. I have an iTouch, and I would have dug through trash to get it, too. Then again, my hubby is crazy, and no one is allowed to throw away food in the trash, just the disposal, so ours is all paper and way safer to dig through.

    Poor cats, they wanted those bones, badly.

  3. ROFL! Long time no see! This was a riot of a post and I hope you will post more stories like this. Oh, and I’m also glad you found your phone. I hate when things go missing like that. And kudos to you for being so patient. I might have given up after going through the trash the first time.

  4. Poor you, and poor phone. 😕 I’m just now making it back on the scene only to find out you’re currently MIA now. I hope all is well. I’m sure I’ll see you around sooner or later. Preferably sooner. 😉 Take care.

  5. Isn’t it about time you write again? Maybe something about “Life’s Unexpected Gifts?” looking forward to your slant on that topic sistergirl!! xxxooo

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