Halloween Butt


The stomach says "NO" but the mouth doesn't listen.

I’ve been eating candy.  A lot of it.  My butt is going to be bigger than Kim Kardashian’s.  Actually, I don’t know why I even bother eating it;  I may as well  slap it directly on my ass and thighs.


It’s a Halloween curse.


Every year, we buy a ridiculous amount of candy for the office.  I work for a doctor and our patients like holiday decorations … and candy.  So Halloween is a big deal that the patients look forward to.  At least that’s our general excuse for having enough sugar to put us all in a diabetic coma.


Halloween candy is so different from regular candy.  It comes in “fun size” and “bite size.”   So we’re seduced into thinking that hey, enjoying a couple pieces of these little things won’t be a big deal.   But when I look at my wastebasket at the end of the day and it is full of little bits of shiny candy wrappings I have a heart attack.   Did I really eat that much?   WTF happened to my brain?  Did my mouth not listen to my stomach when it was screaming “NO MORE CANDY.  YOU WILL DEVELOP HALLOWEEN BUTT.” Apparently not.   The candy corn is still calling my name and my mouth is still drooling.


The easiest thing to do is get rid of the Snickers, Paydays, Baby Ruths, etc.  Just use some self control and stop eating the &*#@ing candy.  But (or should I say butt) the damage has already been done, giving the phrase, “Go big or go home.” a whole new twist.


Some years, I’ve not been home on Halloween.  Weight watching is easier when you’re not stuck with a bunch of leftover candy.   This year my son will be in town to trick or treat with his sister and brother.  That spells T.R.O.U.B.L.E.


I might tag along with them.   Put some tape over my mouth, wear a sign saying Candy Makes Your Butt Big, and call THAT a costume.   At least I won’t have to tell any stupid jokes.


One response »

  1. Oh, I hope you are doing ok. I am stressing out like a nut these days, but I suppose it all goes along with having health issues. Whoops, I meant to leave this under your most recent post.

    Oh, and that candy looks yummy, I want some now.

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